Unpacking Why

Three months later, and I'm still fighting the call to being a pastor. I really will write sermons on this blog, but I know I am not the only one with this crap from their creator. But instead of just fighting this call, I'm trying to figure out why I'm fighting it. Why me as a pastor? I'm not the typical caring, nurturing woman. I can speak in public, but no on can understand me. I'm blunt-sometimes overly blunt-, sarcastic, and love a good beer. I do what I can do, but often try to do more that that. There's something about being outside that makes me giddy-camping, gardens, living off of the earth. This pastor shit might really make me unpeal my layers of my onion, learn more about my inner workings and then be emotional and all with people and feel and yeah... meh. It's not that I'm not emotional, its that I'm deeply emotional. To truely feel paralyzes me. To truely pray brings me to tears. This world is so fricken incredibly beautiful that to survive in it, we need to ignore the incredible beauty.

My experience in appalachia (Evarts Kentucky) is what I needed to kick my butt in gear. It allowed me to SLOW DOWN to truely open my heart to God, to feel, to cry every other day and begin to unpack what that all means. It's one thing to live the Christian life, do the Christian things, but its that fricken acceptance of being unconditionally loved by your creator that is humbling, healing, life changing.

To be unconditionally loved by my creator. How do I begin to unpack this... What is love? What does unconditionally mean? How do I know it's unconditional? Where's the fine print? I'm created? How am I created? What am I? Who is this creator? What does it mean to be created? If God is perfect and created me, how come I'm not perfect? But it's not the logical part that gets me... it's the emotional crap that does. But my creator created me, and loves me... thats a huge fricken responsibity. Now what do I do about it.